Flag-Waving Nationalists

Self-sacrificing petroleum patriots offer to brave so-called arctic wastelands

          to harvest the oil beneath its unproductive surface

This to help us to gain our vital energy independence and for export, as well

Drilling for god and country they can bring us a few sips

          to be guzzled and forgotten on one of our many wasteful, unnecessary trips

and take away forever anyone's chances

          to ever see one more of the few remaining bits of unspoiled habitat

Wise patriots tell us of our duty to consume

          and to ride in ever larger vehicles to the newest malls

and of the moral value of imported plastic decal flags upon our foreign cars

Caring patriots protect our economy from junk scientific theories

          Knowing conservation is simply a lifestyle choice, much like being gay

Their wisdom protects us from expensive action until all the facts are in

          They nobly save us money and jobs from that liberal plot

they have recast as climate change

Industry-oriented patriotic lobbyists draft policy with wise company executives

          Making sure to grease the skids of progress with cash contributions

Thus do we move forward in this land of faith-based democracy

          By-invitation-only, laboring in secret behind safely closed and soundproof doors

Practical patriots discern the nonsense in scientific discourse

          And lead the way in discrediting studies counter to their policies

using the twin lodestones of moral beliefs and campaign donations

          Framing the discourse of scientific research as a political debate

Helping our dumbed-down people to grasp the complex issues that we face

Morally focused patriots justify their actions with their faith

          Having god beside them on the podium grants them an otherwise-lacking inner strength

enabling them to distinguish black from white by casting out the gray

          Leaving them with unshakeable faith in the righteousness of their cause

Pontificating patriots should be listened to as they describe our many enemies

          Never asking us to examine our own hallowed lifestyles

Never questioning the correctness of the great causes which we champion

Militarily-oriented patriots ensure we are ready for overwhelming pre-emptive defense

          Annually stoking the war machine with ever-increasing billions

Ready to defend shopping malls against the incoming missiles

          Unable to capture disheveled ragheads in dirty clothes and sandals living in caves

Perceptive patriots help us to discern the truth from all the lies

          the right thing from devilish left-wing deception,

The righteousness of the measured and true course that we follow

          from the godless rhetoric of the heathen foreign idolaters

Great patriots, after consulting their moral compasses, inform us that

          we are either with them or, at our own great peril, against them

and that God blesses our lofty moral rectitude as he smiles down upon us

Responsible patriots trip over each other adopting tougher stances

          Each boasting how they will spend more money to kill and to destroy

Pumping up the bogeyman who wants to eat the children in your homes

          And exalting a ‘Defense’ budget greater than the entire world combined

True patriots free up our natural resources for holy commercial development

          protecting us from the evils of a pernicious creeping socialism

Let us thank them for the steadfast nature of this selfless vigilance

Larger than life patriots smile down upon us from all forms of the media,

          Guaranteed a place in our collective heart

Promoted by those wise contributing conglomerates

who provide all the information a good society should ever need

Discredited patriots no longer play roles in our wondrous progress

          Their actions erased from soundbite media history

At least until their party swings into power once again

Patriotic analytical wonks tell us that business profitability is increased

          and prices lowered by cutting benefits and outsourcing jobs overseas

while, at the same time, arguing just as strongly, it appears

          that increasing energy efficiency and improving conservation

are simply non-factors with regards to the economy of our great society

Corporate patriots help steer the ship of state

          Bravely offshoring ingredients and keeping wages low

Signing memoranda sending research and production overseas

          Stoutly maintaining the hallowed nature of free enterprise

by pumping up the price of their stock for yet another whole quarter

          thus ensuring more criminally-unearned multi-million dollar bonuses

Down home patriots drive loud pickups and watch NASCAR on TV

          Take their lessons from the bible and don’t read too goddamn much

They defend their rights to ignorance and a share of our forests

          They responsibly vote for those who raised their taxes,

helped un-insure them and approved sending their jobs far away