Stupid Libtard Non-Issues Solved

If the trout disappear from streams drained for watering lawns and washing cars

It may be said to be a small part of god’s mysterious scheme of things

If the polar bears have no more ice to wander about upon to look for seals to eat

Why, someone once asked me what a polar bear had ever done for him

If the insects needed by parent birds now arrive before their eggs hatch

Is the world any poorer if we do not have so many songbirds?

If we build roads to prevent wildfires by removing only the largest trees

Our children will not have to face such old-growth controversies

If we use bulldozers to sculpture every piece of open land

What real harm is there if it all looks, and actually feels, quite the same

If the ponderosa pines retreat ever higher from the heat and the drought

Won’t we still have some purple mountain majesty left, somewhere else

If agribusiness and petrochemical interests take over all the farms

We can still make calendars with quaint and peaceful rural scenes

If we have a half a billion people living with us in our current fashion

We will likely still retain this good and peaceful quality in our lives

If we allow every impoverished and illiterate teenager to bear children

We know in our hearts we were righteous in ignoring their offspring

If we catch and kill and eat every last one of those mighty bluefin tuna

It won’t affect my take home pay, not even by a penny

If our lakes are merely cesspools and our rivers simply transport wastes

who really cares if we can still drive to the movies at the mall

If there are no more engineers, scientists or technologists in our country

maybe the unemployment rate will, nonetheless, remain quite low

If our children sit at home for hours wrapped up in exotic video games

Schools just need a little work to make the difference in their futures

If two million people make a parasitic living pimping a real estate bubble

Their blind greed shows free enterprise to be man’s noblest invention

If we strive to manufacture food animals as efficiently as some form of plastic widget

There is not the slightest chance we have lost any of our humanity

If power plants are allowed to add a bit more mercury to our infants brains

That means cheap and plentiful juice to microwave our instant meals

If we just let their diesels continue spewing this grayish and tubercular fog

Wal*Mart can hold the line on the prices of its imported goods for us all

If we let two thirds of our children leave school not knowing how to read

They need only wait for the better jobs replacing those gone forever overseas

If we spend a half a trillion on defense every year against shadowy, homeless enemies

Surely it is unpatriotic to vote against giving our boys what they need

If we over-fertilize, over-water and over-poison our own artificial lawns

Agribusiness will, of course, be the good stewards of our blessed farmland

If the wheelchairs should be allowed to penetrate the wilderness

Then surely ATVs and snow machines can provide accessibility as well

If the European people that we once were, shake their heads in disbelief

we believe it still must be some wondrous, sunny morning in America

If seal milk is laced with toxic dioxin and cancerous PCBs

How can that affect me as I watch pro sports on my big screen TV?

If the ash trees all die from parasites borne on containers full of imported goods

Which patriotic jet-skier really gives a flipping damn?

If the grizzly bear retreats until he reaches a point of no return

The livelihoods of patriotic ranchers will no longer be quite so threatened

If we let the big energy boys write policy that mirrors their best interests

Clearly, these experts know what laws best serve god and country

If it is cheaper to bulldoze open space than to rebuild aged retail centers

It shows how isolated economic self-interest blindly operates to optimize our futures

If the oil sheik puppets suck our blood and nurture our terrorist enemies

It is a cowardly lie to say we support them every time we fill our tanks

If our food, clothing, shelter and entertainment all come from corporations

The lifeblood of our great country still remains the creativity of its people

If you act on the premise that you need a new car every other year

We hold it self-evident that advertising is mainly in the public interest

If families take turns controlling the American political scene

Old Europe should wake up and take a lesson from our new realities

If a minority tortures and humiliates, we the righteous remain blameless

A few crusaders have punished the perpetrators of far greater crimes

If the reality of war and death is withheld or sanitized by the censors

We are spared the troubling images which threaten security issues

If our troops are recruiting daily for Al-Queda on Aljazeera

We will spread the message of democracy throughout the middle east

If forty-five million plus uninsured can get treated only at emergency rooms

Our nation provides the best and greatest choice of health care in all the world

If we need television subtitles to decipher the speech of our own citizens

Let us revel in the strength of the diversity found in our great caste system

If we foster an elite and outsource all mental and physical labor

Americans remain the most creative salesmen in the business world

If genetically modified crops and bacteria spread wildly without foresight, but for profit

The American farmer is a reservoir of conservative traditional values

If we bog down in expensive little wars in far off desert wastelands

The American military is the mightiest fighting force upon the planet

If thirty percent of our children live in poverty and have but a single parent

The wisdom of our people lies in their innate common sense

If we turn our best farmland into strip malls and throwaway tickytacks

American agribusiness can feed the entire hungry world

If we stir up a nest of bearded fanatics whose only wish is to die for god

Our motives are pure and our actions far beyond any reproach

If we allow slaughter, disease, ignorance and torture to flourish in Africa

Our work in other parts of the globe is still not strictly concerned with oil

If we grow brutal, loud, greedy, arrogant and ignorant in front of the world

We draw strength and piety from our history and traditional values

If, inexplicably, the frogs disappear from the marshes and the ponds

We still will not permit any net losses to our precious wetlands

If all the signs and the menus come in half a dozen languages

We will surely never become a Balkanized land of Alphabet Soups

If, at the end of the day, we are known best for our clever advertising

Our ideas can gain traction if we simply stay on message

If we allow big oil to make us groveling hostages to the petro-sheiks

We must safeguard our energy needs by any means at our disposal

If the air is dirty, the water fouled, the trees clearcut and the animals extinct

Human life, security, the family and our jobs will still remain the goals we seek

If there are no more big trees and we shoot the bears and trap the wolves

Third world lands should doubtlessly preserve their flora and their fauna

If our daily bread comes from factories and our milk is genetically improved

Global Industrial agriculture feeds the way to a better tomorrow for our children

If we are the willing victims of our selfish and greedy mass hallucinations

Our cause is surely righteous for He leads us upon our self-serving way

If we find we must consume obscenely, merely to keep the economy afloat

The sure guidance of the omnipotent unseen market hand will lead us safely to heaven

If we drive an hour each way, waste ten more, doing things that we despise

We urge all our citizens to partake in the dignity of Self Responsibility

If geography is a puzzle and arithmetic is too hard except for losers

We are committed to the notion that no child will know they’re left behind

If we steadfastly hold to the one true course to which He has committed us

Faith-based, free-enterprise social-Darwinism will rule in this world and the next