The Salesman’s Tale - Con Fessions

I am fresh out of new bullshit lines to use to get your money

My stream of sales pitches seems to have run quite dry at last

My messages are all faded out like the glossy brochures you threw away

I have no exotic suburban lifestyle enhancers left to try and sell you

There is no more strength left within me to overcome your opposition

I have run the last of my empty, full-color ad campaigns

I will coordinate no more glitzy marketing efforts

I will not attempt to fan any more vapid sales buzz

The last of my mail-in rebates has finally expired

There will be no more no-money-down offers by this tired pitchman

I am sick to death of offering usurious sets of easy monthly payments

I can no longer lie in print about yet another diet that does not work

I have had my fill of differentiating useless items which are really all alike

I will never again tie in a fast-food special with an action movie

I can no longer super size you or offer two for one on dangerous, cement-like pizza

I quit trying to relieve you of your money using gentle music and family scenes

I feel really filthy about using mass media to promote your unique individuality

I will no longer offshore the culture you invent and sell it back to you in a cheaper form

I am tired to my bones of taking chances with your money

Enough of silly slogans and attempting to be cool

I am finally fed up with defining new and shocking pre-teen fashions

I do not promote getting fat and staying stupid anymore

I am no longer running scams which purport to pay off all your credit cards

I cannot help them to make you point and click yourself further into debt anymore

I refuse to lie and tell you once again that you need a new car - every other year

I have had enough promoting brain-dead trips on stupid cruise ships

I am finished paying broadcasters to play my commercials louder than their content

I will not send you ten or twenty emails of porn-diet spam per day

I cannot make up more empty catchphrases to help the politicians con you

I promise to stop reducing all issues to thirty second sound bites

I no longer wish to bait you with a celebrity lifestyle that you can never enjoy

I will not use artificially-beautiful models to pimp things that no one really needs

I now regret my very profitable association with alcohol and tobacco companies

I do, however, wish I could have had a chance to market drugs for BigPharma

I wash my hands of the billions spent on promoting cleansers all the same

I hereby remove the bullseye from my favorite target markets

I am no longer any part of masking phony entertainment gossip as serious news

I am done calling for better education while ridiculing scientists and pushing half-truths

I leave the false advertising of US brand name garments made in china to my brothers

I no longer import plastic decal flags to adorn your financed foreign cars

I refuse to produce a fairy tale world to sell old men erection pills

I must, therefore, reject as well the fiction of teenage abstinence

I disavow my long-held notion that advertising is a form of scientific herding

I now respect you far too much to try and fleece you like vapid sheep...

I have stopped paying has-beens to promote items without any redeeming value

I decline to call for your patriotism while designing, producing and hiring overseas

I discontinue pushing stultifying, brain-damaging intoxicants as refreshing, cool and lite

I bequeath the honor of branding panty hose to the next generation

I swear off embedding lame products into movies consisting entirely of special effects

I will not make vapid girls in red underpants the focus of more film plots

I will promote no more fat, poorly-built, high-profit SUVs as important lifestyle decisions

I will push no more violence saying it is what the public wants and our savior OKs

I am ending my total dependence on the new and the improved

I have had enough of lying about the imported and the cheapened

My time of putting up For Sale signs from my luxury automobile and

Taking 7% of your home price for nothing, is now quite finished

No more will I prey upon the guilt I created hinting at neglected children...

I cannot pay off the health care system to have them labeled as in need of Meds anymore

Don’t look to me for corporate news and sports and entertainment

I will not repeat just how much you can trust us to the sounds of soothing music anymore

Forgive me for not creating a phony lifestyle angle for your worthless soft drinks

Show mercy when I stop pushing dangerous snacks consisting of fat, sugar and salt to your kids

I grow nauseous selling drek pitched to recapture the person you never were

I am sick of all this silly pretending just to siphon off a bit of your cash

My enthusiasm for hyping meat built in torture factories has slowly waned

I no longer see the great meaning I once found in amping wireless minutes

I have lost the urge to sell more jet skis, ATVS, dirtbikes and snowmobiles

I will only isten as others encourage the use of toxic chemicals to green our stupid lawns

Never again will I ask on TV for donations in jesus’ blessed name

I promise never again to take a payoff for pushing worthless stocks

I will create no more homey messages for corporate political research foundations

Done with promoting manufacturers through the use of mothers and their babies

In good faith do I forswear creating $XMAS guilt for greedy merchants

Neither will I try again to tie your love for her to the price of a diamond

Do not expect to see my cheesy product placement on reality TV shows any more

Look no more for glossy inserts pushing financed imported electronic toys

I cannot idealize a gas-guzzling, polluting SUV in the pristine mountains ever again

I will nevermore promote any petroleum company as being environmentally friendly

You will not see any more of my pet food ads covertly aimed as dinner for poor seniors

I vow an end to schilling tainted, ineffective arthritis supplements as fountains of youth

I disavow my goal of keeping kids stuffing their faces in front of TV ads

Let me end my empty foisting of phony and expensive wrinkle removal aids

My sales of broken closeouts as once-in-a-lifetime bargains are no more

I finally see that manufacturer financing does not actually improve a product

I now find my practice of pitching presidents like women’s hygiene aids was immoral

I am truly sorry that I sold you on drinking beer and eating crap while watching TV sports

Now I find it must have been wrong to ask that people open up their hearts and wallets to jesus

Praise the lord, I see the sin in associating women’s cleavage with men’s shaving cream

I reject those that follow me as I stake this higher moral ground for myself

I have milked you well, and thusly, have I, at last, grown pure and clean