Thanks For Watching

Sure, you can track my online porno patterns, if it helps support our brave boys overseas

Go ahead and analyze patterns in the cheap Chinese imports that I buy down to the Wal*Mart

Maybe you should prepare a scatter diagram of where their dogs are crapping on my lawn

You can map the links to the terror cell that my mom and I belong to

You can decrypt the messages in those endless health anecdotes that we are exchanging

Are you analyzing the contents of our pantry for evidence of foreign influence?

You can eavesdrop on all those mindless text messages that the gamers send

Maybe you enjoy sifting reams of email spam, just as much as I do

I am an innocent good citizen with nothing to hide so you can watch me on the pot

You should check out those old people next door struggling to have sex

How about that ugly teenager squeezing pimple pus right onto the mirror?

Probably should keep an eye on that drunk moron asleep on the sidewalk

Want to watch me toss my soiled underwear into the dirty clothes?

You are writing down all the stupid reality shows that she watches religiously, I take it

Are you correlating my hair loss with my weight gain and increasing blood pressure?

put a webcam in the apartment of them 8 Mexicans who work so hard all the time

I could send in some suspicious videos I shot with my cell phone down at the mall

I know that you never get excited over any of the nudity you might accidentally uncover

Hopefully you’re keeping every instant message ever sent, until the end of time

Are you getting everything the voices tell me that I absolutely need to do?

We admire your dumpster diving to procure non-electronic evidence

You can read my aunt’s blog about how she got sick on her dream Caribbean cruise

Come on over and I’ll tell you all about my adventures with our little grandsons

Are you putting samplers in the urinals that also read our implanted chips?

Go ahead and track my fast food trash if it will help in stopping terrorism

I am so very flattered that, at least, you would take this time to parse my work

You must audit how much gas my neighbor wastes enriching Islamic radicals

I’ve seen people peeing in public restrooms and not even washing their hands

With this work we can finally track the vast number of alien abductions

Are you breaking the code used by environmental groups on their commie calendars?

No one has paid so much attention to me since I was a screaming, snot-nosed kid

Thanks for watching, you can call me anytime, if you have a question

I could log on and submit reports or even send in some fresh stool samples

Are you getting my kids endless whining for fast food and new electronic gizzies?

Do you believe how often my wife and I have the same old tired arguments?

Set me up with a wire and I will help unmask fat convenience store clerks for you

You really need a way to monitor these conversations with our personal saviors

We’ve got to get a handle on these environmental terrorist sympathizers

I’ll scan in my daughter’s diary and send it over in electronic format

Did you get the color video of my latest colonoscopy?

You are correlating the anal swabs from the victims of sexual abuse, I know

I’m not sure your keyword searches will recognize all this unpatriotic satire

Citizens have no right to privacy but national security requires the highest in secrecy

I find it arousing that you take the time to focus in on my personal life

Can I get a copy of the suspicious actions of my neighbor’s young wife in bed?

Don’t bother with a court order to sit outside my apartment in your van

Come right on in and have a cup of coffee and I’ll tell you all about my arthritis

There’s a guy down the street with an unpatriotic liberal bumper sticker on his car

It is real thrilling to be part of the fighting in our holy war on terrorism

Want to see the pictures of those foreigners I saw up in Yellowstone park?

We better keep a close eye on abortionists and contraception providers, too

We should bring back prayer in school and then make sure everyone does it right

It’s all so very exciting it gives me a wondrous vicarious thrill

The wife and I will keep an eye out for suspicious packages on our street

I’m stepping up for implanted chips, national IDs and omnipresent video cams

I want to be your ever-watchful eyes and always eavesdropping ears

Freedom requires eternal vigilance so I thank you for your constant surveillance